Mark Plays ‘Dragon Age: Origins’: Hour 25 / Stone Prisoner DLC

In the twenty-fifth hour of Dragon Age: Origins, Lord Harrowmont sends me on another quest, and THE. STONE. PRISONER. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to play Dragon Age: Origins.

LOOK BEFORE WE GET INTO THIS, I NEED TO KNOW ASAP: ARE THERE ANY OTHER DLC QUESTS I SHOULD GET BEFORE I FINISH THE GAME? BECAUSE THIS RULED SO MUCH AND I GOT SOME GREAT SHIT, AND BASICALLY, I’M SUPER EXCITED.

Okay, first things first!

Orzammar

Just before I headed to Sulcher’s Pass, I wanted to let Lord Harrowmont know that I had taken care of Jarvia so that the dwarf plotline could advance a little before I took a break. He was pleased, and then promptly informed me that what I had just done didn’t matter. Yeah, he couldn’t sway any voters because of some ridiculous law that I didn’t care to remember. So now I have to go find someone named Branka in the Deep Roads? What the hell is a paragon anyway? IDEK Y’ALL. UGH. How many political errands must I run for you, Lord Harrowmont? Well, at least I get to go down into the mine. THAT SHOULD BE AWESOME.

On the way out of Orzammar, Wynne and Alistair had two conversations of note. It’s clear now that Wynne thinks of Alistair like a son. First, Alistair whined about a hole in his shirt and asked Wynne to fix it at camp. She begrudgingly agreed, Alistair pushed it, and she warned him that “PUCKERED GARMENTS MAY BE THE LEAST OF YOUR PROBLEMS.” Oh my god, they’re adorable. And just sixty seconds later, as we were about to leave the Hall of Heroes, he whines to Wynne about an itchy wound he has. ARE YOU A CHILD, ALISTAIR? Oh shit, that’s why he kept running into the fire in the last hour! It was PRETTY! Y’all, I just love this game so much because of shit like this.

Camp!

This lovely video was commissioned by Lauren! Before I went to Sulcher’s Pass, I spent time sassing it up with everyone at camp. I GOT STEN TO GIVE ME A +4 APPROVAL. I FEEL VICTORIOUS.

Stone Prisoner DLC

These next four videos are all for Andrea, who commissioned me to play the Stone Prisoner DLC.

And so I headed to Sulcher’s Pass, where Felix the merchant gave me a rod. TO RAISE A FUCKING GOLEM. Okay, 100% in support of this ALREADY SPECTACULAR DLC. Oh my god, I have missed the golem shapeshifting since I first entered the Fade, so I was super stoked to see where this was going. But before I could head to the town of Honnleath, I was shocked when the game directed me back to camp, where we were all attacked. YEAH, CAMP ISN’T SAFE ANYMORE. What the fuck? So now the creatures of the Blight are just going to start attacking me? Yes, they are, which I learned as my party traveled the map to Honnleath. We met another skirmish. Shit, I’m going to have to get used to this, aren’t I? That must be a sign of the desperation the darkspawn feel about the inevitable battle at the end of this. Fuck, how is that going to go down???

Anyway, we successfully made it to Honnleath, a village that was completely deserted aside from tons of darkspawn and demons. Apparently, this is all that’s really left since the place was abandoned. After some hearty Walking Bomb-ing (I WILL NEVER GET OVER HOW SATISFYING THAT SPELL IS), I found the golem in the center of the town. All right, time to use the rod Felix gave me to raise it!

Now.

How about now.

Now.

Now?

Yeah, nothing. What the hell? Did Felix give me a bad rod? (That sounds dirty. Shush.) I actually had to check the codex to see what the quest said now that I discovered the rod was dysfunctional. I have to go find the remaining villagers? Where? WHERE?

And thus, I am introduced to Wilhelm’s Cellar, a hell dimension as far as I am concerned. Weird crystals, creepy noises, and more darkspawn in a confined space than I have ever had to deal with. I fought my way to that final room, only to discover AN ENTIRE GROUP OF HUMANS BEHIND A MAGICAL SHIELD. Are they prisoners??? What are they doing back there??? Oh, wait, I can’t find out yet because I JUST DIED. Whoops, I should have paid attention during that battle. I didn’t notice that EVERYONE HAD DIED until I WAS ABOUT TO DIE. I did much better on my second attempt, utilizing Walking Bomb, Mind Blast, and Alistair’s newly acquired Cleanse Area to just completely dominate. I SERIOUSLY LOVE MY PARTY’S BATTLE DYNAMIC.

So, it was time for me to find out what was going on here! The story of Shale the golem is fairly fucked up, which is saying a lot for a game that’s already pretty damn disturbing. Wilhelm was the one who brought misery to his family’s life when Shale OBLITERATED HIS BODY. Okay, and why do I want to raise this thing? It’s not going to crush me, is it? IT PROBABLY IS. Did I just pay $15 to be repeatedly killed by a golem? WHO KNOWS?

Before I got to figure out if Shale was going to unceremoniously murder me, I agreed to go find this guy’s daughter, Amelia. Yeah, just watch the video. I am not okay with any of this. This cellar was already unnerving, and then there’s a talking cat with glowing eyes that’s asking me nicely if it can possess this girl, and then I fucked up. I bet if I had solved the puzzle, my lie might have worked. Instead, I aggravated the demon cat, AND I GOT AMELIA KILLED. NO. WHAT THE FUCK. DID I JUST HAVE TO KILL A CHILD? Great. GREAT.

This game is all kinds of messed up.

Oh gosh, SHALE IS REALLY GREAT. As much as I enjoy having Alistair around, I really want to see what it’s like having Shale in my party. So, I swapped one warrior out for another, and this is LOVELY. Plus, I got so much good shit in that cellar! The Harvest Festival Ring alone was worth it, but now I have a goddamn golem on my side. Time to return to Orzammar and fuck shit up, y’all.

My Character Stats

Strength: 27+4
Dexterity: 25+8
Willpower: 21
Magic: 14
Cunning: 19
Constitution: 24

Heroic Stats

Kills: 438
Damage dealt: 87090
Friendly-fire damage dealt: 0
Greatest damage dealt: 90
Contribution to party damage: 33
Hit rate: 85
Most powerful foe slain: Piotin
Injuries: 18

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